Sex seems a distant memory, having lived without it for 22 months. (Well, there was some very nice foreplay with M last summer, but it wasn’t the complete meal, you know?) I would like to have sex at least once before I turn 51, although there aren’t any local prospects at the moment. I was a late bloomer, my first partner was at 20. He was probably the perfect “first” for me because it was summer, he was 25 and European born, I wasn’t madly in love with him, he was kind and generous and patient. September came and I returned to college; he visited me once, and I never saw him again.
After a long conversation with Mr. Midwest, I am aroused and start imagining what it would be like to sleep with him. We talk about traveling, snowboarding, dating, his kids (they’re all grown, thankfully), the economy, and then he’ll say softly how much he’d like to touch me, feel my body next to his. What??? Oh my god, he wants to sleep with me?? Why should this be such a surprise to me, have I forgotten how nice it is to have a wonderful sexual partner? Am I looking at a guy’s CV and forgetting that he should also please me in bed?
I’ve never felt comfortable with casual sex, ie, I’ve never experienced it. I’ve always had a sustaining relationship as a foundation for sex. Even with my first, I knew him for several months and we went on numerous dates, we played tennis, he cooked dinner for me, he visited me at school, etc. Now, would I consider seeing a guy mainly for sexual pleasure? Why not try it, I think, but then again…maybe not! For me, part of sexual pleasure–giving it and receiving it–is knowing the guy well and liking him. But maybe I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, because I’ve never indulged in casual sex. Maybe it’s awesome.
Maybe I could meet Mr. Midwest one day just for sex, even if it’s apparent we don’t have a future together as life partners. It’s a provocative idea. But I’m hoping that we will have a chance at a future together. It’s too early to tell. Does my attitude toward sex make me an armchair feminist?