Bill has come back into my life. My cyber life at least, for now. He returns to me for sexual fantasies. I want him on the tennis court, and I’m tempted to have him off the court too. It would be a discrete affair, I would ask him to host our tryst. And who are we hurting? Neither of us is married…OK, then it’s technically not an affair? But that’s what it feels like. Because it’s only a sexual pursuit. He will never be my BFF, my BF, my husband. We are years apart in age, worlds apart in culture and background.
I’m in my 50’s and I’ve never done this before. And I would never even consider doing this, if Bill were married. That is too distressing, too out of character for me. But a portfolio life isn’t bad, is it? Where you have multiple segments, multiple roles, multiple games, multiple rewards. How realistic is it for me to expect to find a wonderful life partner, at this point in my life? How many years have I been looking for this?
Falling short of this goal (for now, at least), I could have pleasure from this discrete affair. I would have fun. I could play tennis with a wonderful partner. He makes me laugh. These are all good things.
The down side is that my expectations could exceed reality. I would get attached to him. I may even start to fall in love. And I would have to end it. I will need to control this, from start to finish. And there’s the rub. This is finite. It will end. And I don’t want it to end in my tears.
And what if Bill has a GF? How would that make me feel? Not great. The only way I can do this is if I am having a good time. We get together infrequently. We laugh, we joke, we play a little tennis. Some sexual pleasure. Laughing all the way to an orgasm. Wash up and leave. No lingering.