I should know better by now, but apparently my life is a work in progress. You can be stupid, small-minded, petty, ridiculous…even at my age. I am disturbed by how jealousy, the green monster, rises from the simple-minded FB newsfeed. It’s silly social media, landlocked with your friends, and it should be entertainment. Right?
But I get stuck on an image, an announcement, an upcoming event. Someone is publishing their work, another has a play reading (her own play), someone is on a weekend outing with his 12 best friends, someone’s son is visiting from college, another is in a swimming pool with his young daughter. Why should any of these snippets of Living unglue me? I have a life too–don’t I? (Although I don’t usually broadcast it on social media.)
A good friend recently advised me to take a step in the right direction. One step. If I don’t like it, I can step back into my cocoon. When did my life turn into this–STUCK? I am stuck, in my erstwhile dream of relocating to another part of the country. I am stuck, in my past relationship that ended after eight years. I an stuck, in the death of everything that didn’t work out as planned. Like every difficult work project that seems to have a plan of its own–apart from my carefully thought out schemes. I am stuck with bags of things stowed away in the closet, things that I had already started packing for my relocation.
Yes, some things do happen for a reason. And sometimes good things happen as a result of bad. But I have lost my ability to reason. I am just stuck on Disappointment. Because I didn’t get my way. I didn’t get my way when my mother died, halfway across the world, as I was a young adult. I didn’t get my way when my last love interest disappeared into the ether. I also didn’t get my way when I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis.
I’m grateful for this realization that I’m stuck, that I’m disappointed. It’s the first step toward healthy living. Now I can unpack, clear out junk from my apartment and my own head, take a step in the right direction. I bought a copy of Ken Robinson’s FINDING YOUR ELEMENT and I’m going to use it as a workbook, mark it up with my favorite fine point pen, fill it up with precise rational thoughts of my happy future.
Then I can return to my FB friends and take pleasure in their life events and slay the green monster.