Create balance

I’ve been de-cluttering my apartment for a while and I have been discovering things like a mini-book called CREATE BALANCE.  Perfect timing. This week I fell off the train, I went outside of myself, I became lost in my own universe.  I listened to myself say F–K multiple times at work. Not just muttering to myself at my computer while checking hideous email but whilst conversing with work friends…and (AGHAST!) in a meeting.  Not a public meeting with other peeps but in a departmental meeting, a meeting nonetheless.

How did a nice girl like me end up in such a meeting? Spewing forth the F word, not just once but a handful of times? What grim tale is this? What Jane Austen novel is this? Is this something Elizabeth Bennet might do? Fanny (Mansfield Park)? Catherine (Northanger Abbey)? Anne (Persuasion)? Emma? OK, maybe Emma.

But this isn’t me. In all my years as a working girl, I can’t recall a time when I would swear like a longshoreman in the office—before my current job.  A couple of years ago I laughed about this newfound habit with my then officemate. She and I worked in the same department and became great friends. The stress became overwhelming and she eventually left. I’m still here, and I’m still swearing.

What caused me to swear in a meeting? I was beside myself…I was outside of myself. I became out of sorts because of a mistake (mistakes) made by a vendor on an important project in its final stage. So what? How important is a mistake made by a vendor? Enough to make me go outside of myself and get so out of balance?

It’s about my need to be perfect. I’m a pressure cooker. Add a little too much pressure and I’ll go off.

Step away from the project. the work. the job. I need to take a vow of silence.

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